Tuesday, November 18, 2008

gone

I thought about him today. For the first time. In a long time. In fact, I can't remember the last time. And I don't know why he suddenly entered my mind. Someone might have mentioned his name--its a common name, that's possible.

I might have been thinking about the younger sibling and the fucked up path she is tying up her shoes to trek down again, even though last time she was bruised and broken at the end. I can't convince her to throw those laces away and I know she is getting in the same situation she was in before. I know the type of boy she is setting out for. He is the same boy that is going to leave her in the same situation that I was in with him...before. I want to push her down--break her legs so she can't make this jaunt again, but I can't.

It might be because tonight for dinner I decided to make something that he and I used to make...and maybe, with every bite he was slowly creeping his way back into my brain--my thoughts, my being.

I googled him. I looked him up on Facebook. I don't know where he lives now. I don't know his phone number or his current job or if his hairline has receded any farther than it was when I last saw him a couple of years ago--he was always self conscious of that.

I didn't find anything. There is a person out there with his same name who is a little more popular than him on google. He doesn't have the Facebook. And, thankfully, I can't remember his number--the one that I thought would never stop ringing in my head or in my heart.

I am surprised I thought of him and more surprised I decided to look him up. I am surprised because he was such a negative force in my life--in my everything. I'm surprised because it took me so long to get back to being me after I got rid of him.

I'm so glad I couldn't find him. I don't want to know where he is or what he is doing or how his life is going. I thought about him, and I am certain that is as far as that's going to go. He's gone for a reason, a really good reason.

15 comments:

clsb said...

geez...
i kinda wish you had just posted about nothing...
i liked it - but it's kinda like a kick in the gut. ouch.
little sisters...

E said...

Send this to you sis. It will at least stay in the back of her mind..
And the secret suspense is killing us you know

Sara Jane said...

You had a block so that you could have the energy to write this post.

I love it. I know exactly how you feel. It's better that you can't find him. I promise.

x

Anonymous said...

Oh thank goodness you didn't find him. DO NOT go there again. DO NOT. Or this big sister will have to do something drastic. It's better not to know anything about him. He was NO good for you.

laurwilk said...

I'm glad you didn't find him either.

And the little siblings. Gah. Is it horrible that once or twice, I've wanted something really bad to happen so that life is turned upside down and different choices must be made?

I don't really think that way much anymore...but I certainly used to. She'll figure it out.

amanda said...

Ugh. Jamie. I hear ya.
I hear ya loud and clear.
This happens to me
more times then it should.

And thankfully, like
yours...mine doesn't
have Facebook either...and
I can't find any info
when Googling the heck
out of him.

As frustrated as I get...
it feels good not knowing.

Kara said...

You are not responsible for your sisters. All you can do is be there. We all have to learn things the hard way.

The rest of your post. :( I get it more than you know.

Tiff Hummel said...

been there, it's hard.

personally, i think you need to take a break from boys period.

The Time will come. ;)

Auburn Kat said...

Gosh, I know the feeling. For some reason I've been thinking about my ex a lot this week...thankfully the dreams at night of him haven't returned. I haven't talked to him almost three months now, ever since I changed my number and didn't give him my new one.

Bayjb said...

I've totally been here and it's a blessing that you can't find him. You don't need him and the need to find him will fade away too.

Kyla Bea said...

I'm glad you're not able to find anything, finding anything on those people just feeds the worst parts of our memory.

megabrooke said...

you thought of him for a reason, and you couldn't find him for a reason. at least that's how i think of things.

Dreams and Designs said...

The heart doesn't forget and thats ok. But you are wise AND stronger now and don't need any of that any more. Leave it as a memory!

EP said...

This really hits close to home. I'm really thankful you couldn't find him anywhere.

Danielle said...

Love it. The past is always haunting.