David Blaine

I just watched David Blaine hold his breath for 17 minutes and 4 seconds--under water. He was in a big fish bowl on Oprah and the whole time they taped it and watched the time. I need to know how this is actually physically possible. I mean, I don't get it. And how does he come out of it normally? Like without any brain defects?

As I sat here on the couch, I tried to hold my breath. I think I lasted about 30 seconds. And I think I burned half my brain cells in the process.

This guy must be a total freak of nature--and I say that with all the admiration possible.

Next he wants to stay awake for a million seconds--which is just over 11 and a half days. He would then hold the world record for being awake the longest.

I feel like if you stayed awake for 11 days, you'd feel insane.

How do you become someone like David Blaine? At what point do you say, hey, I think I am going to try to hold my breath for 17 minutes or stay awake for 11 days? Hey--at least he has goals.

What it's like being a girl...

I'm sorry, but I have a conversation that needs to be had. And it's not pretty or glamorous. With that in mind, I feel the need to issue a warning--all boys and Sara C. need to stop reading this entry. Seriously. You don't want to hear this. STOP READING!

All women except for Sara C, dear friend, feel free to read on.

Periods. I feel the need to talk about periods. I have these killer cramps. Like "walking like a hunchback, doubling over in the office, crawling up the stairs, bleeding like a spicket" cramps.

That's not the worst part though--the worst part, I am remembering, is the insatiable hunger. I cannot get full. And all I want to do is eat. Today, I have had a Fiber One bar, Pop Tarts, a Heath bar, half a Hershey's bar, a big lunch, four pieces of Laffy Taffy, Zotz, chips and salsa, and puppy chow.

And no, I haven't had dinner yet. I'm thinking grilled cheese. and popcorn. and m&ms. and ice cream.

Oddly enough--I don't even really like chocolate. I could do without chocolate. I mean, except for Heath bars. I live for Heath bars. Otherwise, no thanks. I would never eat m&ms or Hershey's chocolate just because I wanted it--and today, I would have died for it.

If this keeps up I'll look like Violet in Willy Wonka by Friday and someone is going to have to roll my fat ass to work.

Man, I feel like a Woman.

Text You, Later

I was supposed to go on a date last night. I had been set up by a coworker’s mother. A nice boy, she said, that everyone in her office loved. He’s six feet tall, has a full head of dark hair, and he’s 25. I decided I didn’t have anything to lose so I agreed. Ahh nice boys and dating--exciting, right!?

He texted me. He asked me out by text.

We were going to meet at 8 at a bar downtown to have a couple of drinks.

He called on Wednesday night to confirm the details.

Yesterday, I was caught up at work with a late appointment. I was going to leave at 4:30, and while still waiting around 5:30, I was sitting talking with my boss and another woman that works in the office. As we sat there discussing the details of said date, clothing choices, was I going to be crunched for time, etc. I started freaking out a little bit. My appointment wouldn’t be back for another few minutes and then I had to meet with them, drive the half hour back home, find the outfit I prepared mentally, fix my face, get back in the car, drive the 15 minutes downtown--it was going to be crunched. Bleh!!!!!!! Girls, you know how this is.

It was then I noticed the screen on my phone lit up. I reached for it, and while boss and coworker were chatting, I had to laugh. I read the words on the screen. And then I read them again, out loud.

“I don’t think I am going to make it tonight. Sorry. I have been seeing this girl from work and it’s starting to get serious. Sorry for the late notice.”

*Crickets* Followed by ridiculous hysterical laughter and a long conversation about how technology is changing the face of the world and the way people date. So what did I do? I did what any gal in my situtation would do--hit forward and sent the message to all the girlfriends I had spent the last couple days talking about this with!

I was ditched by text.

BY TEXT!

Are you KIDDING ME!?!?!

And, then I have to ask, how serious could it have gotten in the 48 hours between confirming the plans and cancelling them? And do you really wait until 5:30 the night OF to cancel?
As I sat pondering my current situation, I couldn’t help but wonder--is it worse to be asked out over text, or is it worse to be ditched by text?

Ah, 23 and single-- it's fun.

Punk Face

So, my little sister is kind of a punk. Let me get the disclaimer out of the way--she's my sister and I love her and she's great and she's smart, and she has a kind heart. Period.

That being said--let's get real honest here. She's an 18 year old punk. She's dated this guy on and off who in no way is good enough for her--he treats her like crap much of the time, disrespects her, makes her appear needy and self conscious--he's just not good for her--especially not for her future. She doesn't give herself enough credit, and she sells herself short.

That's me, in my long haired glory (it's short now), and C. This pic was taken the night before my graduation...anyway, she's got talent. She's artistic--she takes great photographs, is a good cook, and likes kids (ewe). She's a trendy dresser, listens to decent music, and much of the time, she'll do a favor for you (there are, I might add, a hearty list of exceptions). When she's in a good mood, she's really glad to talk to you--when she's not, you best hope you decided not to call.

Anyway, she's coming to visit tomorrow. She's a senior this year, and she and her friend are coming into town to go on a college visit--YAY college! They're staying at my place, and I've been trying to get her excited about college for two years now, and though I think I have about killed myself in doing so, she's finally coming down.



She used to have no interest in it. At all. It was a subject that could start a family war at any function. She'd likely get mad if it was brought up and briskly leave the table while throwing a big temper tantrum in the meantime, while screaming "I'm NOT going to college" which translated into, "I'm not leaving the BF! Take pity!" She wanted to stay close to that boy. She didn't want to leave her comfort zone--and the world she's known her whole young life.



That being said, I have her in my realm for about 14 short hours, and I've talked until I'm blue in the face trying to give her life advice and tell her that she really does need to leave the hometown and the now ex-bf to get out there and get some real world experience, and I think I am about 85 percent there--but I have nothing else to say. There is nothing else I can say about academic programs, and dorm life, and student activities, and traveling abroad, and growing as a human being that I haven't said before.

So I ask you, dear reader, what advice would you offer to the youngin--cus I'm out, and I still have 15 percent to go...

OMG

My latest guilty pleasure: Gossip Girl on the CW...Monday nights 7pm

It makes me feel like my high school years were completely normal compared to how effed up this show is. Seriously, these girls are fifty times meaner than all the girls I went to high school with (well, one might have competed, but for the most part). Seriously. They are evil. They are manipulative, neurotic, evil little beings.

Here's how it works. There's Blair, and she hates everyone, especially Serena, the blonde. Serena dates Dan, but her mom is also married to Chuck's dad. Chuck again, is basically inherently evil...or so we think...this week we got a little sneak peek at the fact that he might be a little more sensitive than he lets on. Anyway, Serena(who dates Dan)'s little brother also just got out of rehab because he liked the drugs. Dan and his little sister are the token poor kids who go to the uppity private school across town and try as hard as they can to fit in despite the huge difference in their socioeconomic statuses. Their dad is way to good looking to be a dad. In fact, all the guys in this show are incredibly good looking.


The truth is, it isn't the drama that keeps me coming back week after week. The thing is, I have a huge crush on Chuck. He's hot. I mostly like the manipulative, sinister, mean side of Chuck. I don't need the wimpy Chuck that acts like he actually has feelings. Pssh.

Seriously. I know, the show is totally teeny-bopper, but seriously, if you ever want closure on how ridiculous your high school years were, this is the way to go. You'll feel normal for the first time in ten years, and the eye candy is worth drooling over...

My Holiday

So, if you weren't aware, this week is national administrative professional assistant day--or whatever--since Secretary's day is no longer politically correct. So, the administrative professionals in the office shall be showered with flowers and food and lots of joy and love for an entire day. Actually, I think it is supposed to be celebrated for a whole week.

Then, of course, a few months ago, was the lovely bosses day. We pitched in cash, bought the bosses some goodies, and got a few brownie points for ourselves (actually, AS and DT, if you're reading this, I really love you both).

Anyway, the point is, what about the rest of us? When is national CPA Day, or Grocery Store Cashier Day, or Call Center Dude's Day? When's our day in the sun? It's only the bosses and the secretaries getting the love, and really, it makes my heart a little bit sad. Not really. I just feel like if Hallmark was actually practicing their capitalist monopolizing ways to the fullest--they'd broaden the spectrum of random holidays to go further than Bosses, Secretary's, and Valentines Days...and the rest of us would cash in, too! :)

Neti-pot-ing

Last night, I slept for 13 hours. Over half a day. I would like to blame the head-cold/sinus infection/Tylenol PM, and not blame this on sheer and utter laziness. The point is, I am so sick of being sick I could just scream. I'm "stuffed up, puffy, watery eyes, runny nose, hacking up a lung" girl. It's hot. For once, I want to wake up and be able to breathe out of my nose and not cry at the thought of swallowing. It would also be nice if my brain felt a little less like it was ricocheting off the walls of my brain in some totally screwed up pin-ball fashion.

This week, in desperation, I listened to the advice of this guy who works in my office. He's older. I don't know how old because I am bad at guessing ages. But, he's got kids around my age, so he's used to offering advice. Anyway, for the last 7 months he's been trying to convince me to buy a Neti-pot. Because if I am not complaining about being sick, I am complaining about my allergies and not being able to breathe. Anyway, the other night, I strolled to the corner Walgreens and bought myself a Neti-pot.

Now, there is one episode of Sex and the City where the girls talk about what things you absolutely would not do in front of a significant other. I would like to add Neti-pot-ing to the universal list. This is the most awkward contraption. You stand over the sink, take this little pot (it looks like a miniature watering pot), fill it with warm water, add saline mix, put up to right nostril, breathe out of mouth, and tip your head. You then wait for the water to flush through your sinuses, and then whatever it picks up on it's way through falls out of your left nostril. Repeat on the left side, and done.

You can almost imagine how HOT Neti-pot-ing makes me feel...

However, it does work so I would recommend using it, however if you do decide to make sure you lock the door because it really is the most awkward thing you've ever done and you don't want to be startled into swallowing the solution because at that point it would burn your sinuses and make your eyes water. Hot.

Ahh Spring.

If I lean my chair back from my desk and look across the office through the (hopefully) open door of my colleague, I can, for a moment, see spring. I can see the bright blue skies, the birds fluttering around, and the shade of green that appears blindingly bright after an extremely long winter.

The warmth of spring earth is finally upon us, and I couldn’t be happier. It is a time for frolicking, walking to the town square for lunch, and being leisurely as you stroll from place to place with a new zest for life—much different from the biting cold that we have experienced for so long—the kind where you have to hold your breath and huddle so far into your coat that you can hardly see where your next step will land.

I have to say, I’ve missed my heels. And my dresses. And my sandals. And short sleeved shirts. And rushing out of the house in the morning without having to bundle up in the scarf and coat. It’s lovely.

And from here, the one thing I can’t see is the strength of the wind. So as I sit here, longing for the outside world, I suddenly remembered one thing—the wind. And the contacts I got for the first time yesterday. And how the wind affects the contacts in your eyes. And the little gritty pieces of dirt winter left behind, and how they make wind tunnels and burrow into your face and eyes.

Oh yes. The wind is lovely. I just pretend that I was going for the windblown-messed watery eyes look—because it’s so in right now. And when I am in the parking lot with my hands full and my black and white polka dot dress gets caught by a 50 mph gust of wind and flies up on me, I yell to the passers-by that I’ve just gotten a part in the local production as the one and only Marilyn Monroe—I wore these underwear because I wanted you to see them. Really. I did.

Alas. At least contacts mean sunglasses, and this girl is looking ever more forward to spending some time in the sun (without the wind, of course).

Yuck.

Today on my way into work I realized how antisocial I actually am. I spotted a person I would usually strike up a conversation with across the parking lot as they were leaving their car and heading into their building. I had my hands full, I have a cold so my nose was running and my head felt like it was floating and there was nowhere to go. What did I do? I skulked. I skulked between a minivan and a pickup truck and pretended to be checking myself out in the reflection on the window (because that’s normal), which could have come off as extremely creepy to the random passersby. Literally, I stopped. In between a bunch of cars. Avoiding said person. Why?

Because I’m an anti-social bitch lately, that’s why. It may have something to do with all the talking I’m doing at work with these people that I need to answer my simple questions. It may have something to do with the ridiculous cold/sore throat/floating head/crappy feeling/runniness I have going on. It may have something to do with the fact that I can’t catch up on sleep. The point is, I covet my quiet time. I don’t want to talk. Especially to that person in the parking lot this morning.

So here I sit, guzzling liquids because all of the “moms” in the office tell me that’s the best way to get healthy. I even decided against the 32 oz. of soda this morning and settled with green tea and water. I’m sweating with that nasty sweat you only get when you have a cold, and my insides feel like they are boiling. I feel like a walking germ. And everyone around me loves it (and by loves it, I mean, they are walking around with Germ-X and spraying down everything I touch with Lysol). It's lovely.

April Bulls*&^

TS and I are done. And he's one pissed mo-fo. I planned on ending things with him tomorrow, but after looking at my schedule I decided I needed to kick him to the curb, today. The bastard. He retaliated. In the form of a ridiculous April snowstorm that almost killed me. Just when I started to become hopeful for the turning of the seasons--all the muck was washing away and the sun shine warmed the soul. It was a hopeful few days I experienced this week, and then this.

After my last appointment today I started to head back in this direction--towards home. All the while, I watched TS getting further and further from my sight as he looked back in my rearview mirror. My heart was heavy as I watched his form get smaller and smaller on the horizon, but as I looked into the vast future in front of me, I felt better.

Then it started to rain. Shortly after that the temperature dropped about 15 degrees and the rain became thick--not quite snow, but almost. I knew TS had a heart to heart with the gods, and they were all out to get me. A mile later I was driving through the slushiest, slipperiest shit I have seen in weeks. I called TS on his cell phone and when he didn't answer I left him a very colorful message on his voicemail--I slurred pretty much every curse I could think of and demanded he get his shit together and clean up his act (and this effing snow).

Two miles later, I was driving through the biggest snowflakes I had ever seen. The DJ on the local radio station even busted out "Let it Snow," I kid you not. TS must've got the message and called the gods back. It only got worse. This is APRIL, TS. I realize you're pissed at me, but I am concerned at your willingness to screw over the rest of the population of this state when they, too, were just getting their hopes up for spring. I don't know why I ever agreed to date you anyway, TS, you're a jerk. And us, we're over. We're so over we need a new word for over. (Thank you Carrie Bradshaw.) At least until next fall...

A Different Kind

Well, D.C. was a blast. We were blessed with beautiful weather, great sites, good food, strong beer, and best of all, cherry blossoms. Friday was spent walking miles and miles around the mall and taking in the cherry blossoms at the tidal basin--it was a gorgeous day. A fresh reminder of springtime, and in it there was a warmth I had missed this long winter. It was sunny, the sky was blue, and for the first time I was seeing these amazing monuments I had heard so much about.


Saturday was much of the same--we went to the Eastern Market, Library of Congress, and National Portrait Gallery. We went out to some of the bars in Adams Morgan Saturday night and it was a blast!


Sunday I went to the Holocaust Museum which took up most of the day. We were moving a little slowly on Saturday morning so by the time I got there it was nearly 11:30--we spent several hours there and it basically took the day--what a moving experience. After that we were on the metro on our way back to the airport to head back to the midwest. What a weekend. It went quickly, but I saw a ton--it was great!

Sometimes I forget that places like D.C. exist here in the states. I drive all over Iowa, and I take in all that is here, but the beauty of this space that I am in every day is sometimes hard for me to remember. I think I fall into watching the same thing day after day--the landscape becomes boring to me. Then I take off to a place like D.C. and experience something equally as beautiful--but very very different. It only heightened my desire to, someday, move on out--to see something else and experience a different kind of beautiful.